I’ve got murder on my mind…
but I don’t know how to kill my victim.
My victim is a jerk.
She takes over EVERYTHING.
AND she loves to choke things to death.
Not only has she filled the flower bed,
she’s starting to creep into the back yard.
Certain members of my family are looking the other way…
…but I know this is a problem I’ve got to face.
Pretty soon, the ivy is going to grab hold of one of us.
So if I don’t appear some Wednesday, you know who to blame.
How do I kill her?
This post brought to you by Girls Who Hate Ivy.
We’re afraid it’s going to…AHHHHHHHHH!
I caved in and bought an “adult” coloring book.
Because why cook dinner when I can color, instead?
The pages looked promising.
Ah, the works of art I’d create while I forgot all my troubles!
I dreamed of my new art career, eagerly opened my new box of crayons, and…
The tips were broken!
ALL the tips were broken off!!!!
Anger zipped through me. I paid good $$ for this stuff!
I screamed and yelled and ripped my coloring book and cried…
…and felt like a five year-old again.
Alas, here is the fountain of youth!!! Yippee!!
I met a guy who is TOO tall…but wears heels, anyway.
I admire him for his fashion choices,
but I wish someone would remove his shirt label.
He’s got a remarkably flat bottom for such a big guy.
I guess carrying a huge gun works your glutes.
I didn’t know how to read him. Was he happy or sad?
His big smile seemed at odds with his “thumbs down” gesture.
But then I noticed the distant telephone pole between his legs…
and suddenly his strange expression made a little more sense. Or not.
I climbed up to his hand to see what he held.
It was a small town…and now I’m the mayor!
This post brought to you by Authors Who Should Stop Fooling Around.
Blogging about giant cowboy statues isn’t very productive.
I’ve just completed a major study of 16 year-old girls.
Frankly, the results are terrifying.
You see, I invited a bunch of 16 year-olds to my house for a party.
I hid in the corner and watched their behavior.
My first observation: they eat a ton.
They powered through a 5-gallon tub of popcorn in one night.
Yowza. That’s a lot of popcorn. While they ate, they…
…played charades into the wee hours of the morning.
…and then they walked on the Boardwalk…
…and then they went on the beach to surf and swim.
I couldn’t keep up with them and had to ditch my research.
In fact, their boundless enthusiasm made me feel a little blue and dejected.
If only I had that unflagging energy, I’d be able to accomplish sooooo many things.
But then I realized something that made me feel a LOT better.
In a few years, this will happen to those gorgeous, energetic young women:
Mwah ha ha ha!
Our national anthem plays every morning on the Boardwalk at Ocean City, NJ.
And every morning, people stop, put their hands over the hearts, and listen.
It’s a beautiful, beautiful thing.
Every time I witness this,
I decide to indulge in some good ol’ American festivities…
After the ride, I was a little dizzy.
Which may explain why I fell in love with this guy.
Our relationship was a bit scary.
But not as scary as…
Which is one example of how a day can start out so beautifully…
and end so tragically.
I love the Boardwalk.
Aaaaaand, I found a way to spend the whole summer here:
Will they hire me if I eat all the fries?
I won’t need to use my salary to buy groceries,
because I found a free way to feed my family food they love:
I tried to eat a pizza pie in 11 minutes to win lots of pizza, and failed.
So, this is my new meal plan for delicious summer dinners:
After tonight’s dinner, we went for a walk and saw this sign.
Signs like this one are all over the Boardwalk. I love ’em.
Unfortunately, my dog spotted a different sign…
and stopped talking to me.
We resolved the problem with a special outfit.
I dressed her up as a seagull,
and now she fits right in.
Where will you vacation this summer?
We just spent a week vacationing at “the shore,”
and I learned some VERY odd things.
First of all, Carmen won’t talk about my future…
unless I pay her money. Does that seem wrong to you?
I gave Carmen money…
because I want to know what I can look forward to.
Maybe I’ll sell tons of books, or sign a huge movie deal!
But there’s a ton of people around, Carmen!
Maybe we should just focus on my future love life…
This post brought to you by Carmen.
She’s got a one track mind.
If you experience any of these symptoms,
you need a vacation. Pronto!
You think this is warm:
You have no idea why you took this picture for your blog:
The baby cardinal is your only company.
You catch your dog in a terrible lie.
Let’s pack our bags…Let’s get outta Dodge…
Let’s eat junk food and do nothing for a week…
Are you game?
My daughter is taking a math final today.
On her way out the door, she proclaimed, “Math is STUPID!”
Well, I’m here to prove that I still use math, every single stupid day.
Take, for instance, household chores:
And then there’s pet care:
(There’s no data at the top of the chart because that’s when your dog is sleeping.)
If you’d like to know how to be a GREAT husband, check this out:
And finally, in conclusion, here’s mathematical proof that being an author
isn’t for the faint of heart:
Now stop fooling around and STUDY FOR YOUR MATH FINAL!!!!
Is someone trying to distract you?
I have a “colleague” who won’t let me work.
She constantly asks to play games.
So I gave her a job.
Now that she’s CEO of Security,
I’m getting a LOT more work done.
In fact, I discovered a strange device yesterday.
I picked it up and heard a deep voice.
I think God was calling me…or maybe my husband.
Same thing, right? Bwah ha ha! Ahem. Or should I say Amen?
The deep voice told me to stop and smell the roses.
We don’t have any roses blooming, yet, so I smelled the azalea.
I hope you have the chance to stop and smell the azalea, too.
This post brought to you by Pollen.
A cheap way to turn your car green!