I gave my kid away

by Lynn on August 27, 2014

Well, I did it.
I gave my kid away. To college.
To reacquaint myself with being a freshman,
I dug up a picture of my first dorm room:

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I’d never met my roommate until we moved in together.
She liked kitty cats. I liked Mike Schmidt.
We got along quite well, actually.

I’m a bit worried about my daughter, however.
You see, she was thinking about bringing this to college:

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I convinced her NOT to bring a stud finder to campus.
Instead, I promised to mail her something special to help adjust to college life.
I’m mailing her a drawing she made when she was 6 years old, and it’s perfect for her needs:

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That sign is going to work, right?
RIGHT??????

This post brought to you by Delusional Parents.
Don’t burst our bubble.

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Don’t make Snow White mad.

by Lynn on August 20, 2014

I’m not disturbed by the Hereford moose, cow, or bison on the roof.

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However, I’m shocked Snow White tied two of her dwarves to the chimney.
What did they do to anger her?

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Guilt-free dinner

by Lynn on August 13, 2014

I didn’t feel too guilty about eating the lobster
when I realized he was already crawling into the butter.

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What are you eating for dinner tonight?

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She was normal when we bought her.

by Lynn on July 30, 2014

Our dog spends 80% of her day in her “corner.”
She’s got a great view of the yard, the driveway, and the road.
Her job is to bark wildly should she spot a squirrel or the UPS truck.

PROBLEM:
She has absolutely no idea what to do if another dog stops by.

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Most dogs love to play with other dogs.
Ours doesn’t. She moans and complains and wanders away.

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After conducting extensive research,
numerous appointments with psychologists,
and devouring a large bag of pretzels all by myself,
I figured out why my dog doesn’t want to play with other canines.

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So, if SHE’S a human…I must be a dog.
Frankly, I love to eat table scraps and go for walks.
And I like playing with dogs, napping, and sitting on the couch.

Ohmygosh, this  revelation explains so much!

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Oops. Gotta go.
Time for my human to take me for a walk.

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Attention all robbers…

by Lynn on July 23, 2014

Today, we are driving home from vacation.
We aren’t going to be in a good mood
‘cuz of mosquito bites, sunburn,
and poison ivy.

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Along the way, we’ll see the inevitable signs
that our trip will become more complex.

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So, if you’re a robber inside our house,
you’ll have plenty of time to steal stuff.
Please thank us by not making a huge mess.
Oh, and make dinner before you leave, okay?

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Be advised that you won’t be alone.
I’ve installed a new alarm system.
It’s quiet, but effective.

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They are dressed for fall, because it’s almost time for school.
Please don’t knock them over while you carry the piano out the door.

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The post brought to you by Cures for End of Vacation Blues.
Take another road trip…and don’t forget to activate the house alarm.

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Brothers are weird.

by Lynn on July 16, 2014

Brothers are weird.
Therefore, you need to be wary when they buy you a present.
Often, their presents are weird…like the one I got from my brother:

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My brother is an adult.
I expected his gift-giving to improve.
Not sink to these goofy levels…but then I saw this:

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Maybe he got me a collector’s item worth MILLIONS!
My opinion of my brother skyrocketed!
I checked if I had the RARE version.
I didn’t. Darn it. But then…
I took a closer look.
He’s kinda cute.

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Okay, let’s be perfectly honest with one another.
This figurine is downright uber-GORGEOUS.
Rugged good looks, a drool-worthy body…
Dang, my brother got me a GREAT gift!

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I named my new friend Tim. He stands by my computer monitor.
Right now, we’re just getting to know one another.
But this could turn into a beautiful friendship.
Uh, being attracted to a doll isn’t weird, is it?

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This post brought to you by Concerned Sisters.
Our brothers are making us…weird.

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Friends smell good

by Lynn on July 9, 2014

(1) Friends go on walks together.

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(2) Friends accept you,
even when you’re shy, weird,
and bark at inappropriate times.

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(3) Try to make at least one BIG friend.
Just in case you need a bodyguard.
Or a ride to the grocery store.

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(4) Friends will never scare you.
Unless it’s Halloween.

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(5) Some friends have four legs…and some don’t.

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This post brought to you by Friends.
Sometimes, I prefer the four-footed variety.
How ’bout you?

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I fought the deer and the deer LOST!

by Lynn on July 2, 2014

I’m at war.

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I’m protecting my property from complete decimation.

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My “enemy” is formidable.
And hungry.

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Have no fear.
Get a bowl.

Mix 2 eggs, 1 cup milk,
1 tablespoon veggie oil,
1 tablespoon dishwashing liquid,
garlic powder or crushed garlic cloves
add 1 gallon of water and store in a sprayer.

Spray this lovely liquid on your beloved plants.

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It works, because it tastes yucky.
It’ll make your hostas and roses and flowers blechy.
Blechy is a scientific term that means “really icky tasting.”

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Spray on your beloved plants (especially after it rains) and the deer will stay away!

How are your gardens doing this summer?

Love,
Lynn :)

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My dog is a vegetarian

by Lynn on June 18, 2014

 

My best friend betrayed me. Again.
It began so innocently.
It always does.

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I just wanted to grow some strawberries.
‘Cause me likes strawberries. Lots.
(I speak poorly when I’m hungry.)

So…I planted strawberries.
A whole bunch of ‘em. Last summer.
I got ONE strawberry last year, but LOTS more grew this year!

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Oh, the joy.
The contentment.
The dreams of strawberry shortcake.
The mouth-watering plans for salads and smoothies.
The sudden discovery of something wrong.
The abject disappointment.
The rage.

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Something was eating MY strawberries.
Someone was denying me MY harvest.
Some individual was in BIG trouble.

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If you look VERY closely, you can see red strawberry juice on her whiskers.
I am seething with a red haze of self-righteous anger.
What should I do to reclaim my garden from this villainous usurper?

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This post brought to you by Dogs Who Are Vegetarians.
We love to eat fruit when mommy isn’t looking. *burp*

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Honk if you love traffic jams.

by Lynn on June 11, 2014

Lately, there have been a lot of traffic jams in our neighborhood.
We don’t mind, because they are caused by this:

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The geese shepherd their goslings across the street every evening.
Climbing up that curb takes a lot of time when you have tiny webbed feet.

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Even though it’s rush hour, everyone waits patiently.
No one blares their horn or curses or waves their arms around.
We just sit. And watch. And marvel at how quickly the little ones grow.

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Soon, the geese are weeping in the center of the road, aghast at the cost of college tuition.
And the goslings are walking around in their high school caps and gowns,
which causes even more traffic jams and delays.

It really is a very strange time of year.

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