I’m trying to get ready for Halloween.
I need to scare kids away, because I want all the candy.
This might work:
Nah. Not scary enough.
Gnomes are scary…how ’bout this one?
Nah. He’s wearing headphones. He looks like a normal kid.
Don’t worry, though. I found the perfect scary gnome:
This guy will scare everyone,
and I’ll have ALL THE CANDY to myself.
In honor of Halloween,
let’s talk about scary.
This is scary:
Authors are terrified of mannequins.
Because we don’t know how to spell mannequin.
This, however, is VERY scary:
Why is a lemon tart scary?
It’s downright mortifying if you don’t have $5.00 in your pocket.
And this, well, I can’t decide if it’s scary or not:
Look at the picture.
I think the kid in the cart is pointing the way to the sales rack!
That’s not scary…that’s extremely helpful!
This post brought to you by Parents Who Have College Kids.
Our kids don’t fit in shopping carts very easily.
But we try.
We’re approaching Halloween.
Here is someone who is scared of everything:
Normally, dogs don’t scare me.
Until I saw this:
I’m NEVER going to that park EVER AGAIN.
And I’m never touching a door handle ever again.
Which is why I’m trapped in my house, unable to leave.
Last week, I promised to blog about something “helpful.”
To boost my brain, I visited my daughter at college,
…whom I had when I was seven.
Anyhow, I kept looking for inspiration.
You know, a sign.
I bet you see these type of signs on every college campus.
Yep, college signs were everywhere.
Despite these signs, I was inspired.
So, I sat in the library and did some light reading.
I thought I fit right in.
Heck, I looked exactly like a twenty year-old.
And then it hit me – reading Nietzsche takes 20 years off your appearance!
This is extremely helpful information that I can share with my friends!!!!!!!!!
The campus police were very nice when they escorted me out of the library.
I told them I was a “college senior,” but they insisted I was a “senior citizen.”
And then I wept.
And then I wrote a lengthy letter of apology.
To my daughter. And to the librarian.
And to Nietzsche.
This post brought to you by Helpful Information.
Use at your own risk.
It’s about time we do a “Best Ever” post, right?
Here is something for the Art Historians in the audience:
After I saw the mer-horse-maid, I was inspired.
I ran home and made mashed cheese and cauliflower.
Which ended up being more awesome than the horse statue.
My husband was so grateful for the fabulous meal,
he gave me a fortune cookie.
‘Cuz I love cookies.
This post brought to you by Useless Information.
Next week, I’ll try to share something helpful.
I have a terrible problem.
I don’t think it’s weird to fantasize about a statue.
I mean, Michelangelo’s David is downright handsome.
Okay. Maybe this whole statue thing is weird, so I’m gonna switch topics.
For the first time EVER, I’m going to show you a picture of my husband:
He’s the strong, silent type.
Just the way I like ’em.
This post brought to you by Romance Authors.
We like men with granite jaws.
If you are my child,
STOP reading my blog.
Because today I’m talking about
my addiction to porn.
I. Love. Porn.
There. I said it. Don’t judge.
And you love porn, too.
Especially food porn.
And if I say “porn” enough in this post,
I’m going to get some really interesting spam.
Which will entertain me all afternoon when I should be writing.
This post brought to you by Porn.
Because I haven’t embarrassed my family enough.
My high school kid started school today.
In honor of this monumental occasion,
I ate a ton of candy last night.
I can’t understand why my kid was so embarrassed
when I dropped her off at school.
This post brought to you by Topless Women.
We save lots of money on clothes.
“The second time will be easier.”
I kept repeating this lie.
Over and over.
But whenever I saw the college gear accumulating in the dining room,
I felt a sharp pang in my midsection.
The pain worsened when I realized that some of the school supplies
were the same ones we used to buy when she was in first grade.
There were also dorm necessities,
like fans and rugs and late-night snacks.
Stuff kids need when they move away from home.
Change can be painful and scary,
but good things will come from it.
Yet right now, we kind of feel like the dog does
whenever someone pulls out of the driveway and leaves her.
We miss our college kid.
And we’re barking at the neighbors.
This post brought to you by Sophomores in College.
Please tell our mothers that we’re just fine.
A cookie told me that I needed a break.
I don’t know about you, but I ALWAYS obey cookies.
So, I grabbed the healthiest item I could find from the fridge…
…and I searched for the one spot no one would find me…
…and I ate the whole chocolate pie and took a nap.
I feel MUCH better now. And not guilty at all.
FYI – my book is on sale for $0.99 until Friday (August 14).
Please tell your friends who like to read romance.
The last thing Mitchell Blake needs is another hot-shot consultant to “save” his glassblowing factory,
but this one is different. She is hiding something. If he can unearth Jaye’s secrets,
he might have good reason to fire her…or keep her forever.
** CLEAR AS GLASS is a 5-time Romance Writers of America award winning romance
and a finalist in the 2015 Book Buyers Best contest.**
Available at: Amazon, iBooks,
Google Play, Nook , Kobo and for all ebook readers