WooHoo! I’m in the zoo.

by Lynn on March 25, 2015

I saw a bird in my bathtub.

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Strange sponges in the dishwater.

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Fearsome alligators.
No, wait. Not so fearsome.
He’s waving. He’s FRIENDLY!

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I get closer, because I need a friend.
Writing is a lonely business.
Just one more step.
And then…

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Don’t be alarmed. It’s dark in here. And quiet.
Perfect for writing. And weeping.
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This post brought to you by The Zoo.
Listen to the zookeeper when he says, “Step back, ma’am.”

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Is there such a thing as too much butter?

by Lynn on March 18, 2015

Last night, I added too much butter to my noodles.
Then I realized, there’s no such thing as too much butter.
And then I realized, I’m suffering from The Mid-March Blues.

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I’m surrounded by a salty sea of sand and gravel.
The residue of winter. Blech.

I’m under deadline, so I’m writing like mad.
When I do go outside, my dog wants little to do with me.
I think she blames me for the salty sea of sand and gravel.

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I stopped my Mid-March Blues by checking the photographs I took last year.
Last March, this is what my world looked like:

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Oh, my. That’s a lot of snow.
Pull up a chair and let’s talk about how much we despise winter…

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Now I don’t feel so badly about the salty sea of sand and gravel.
At least it’s not snow…but there is snow forecast for tomorrow night.
*sob*

This post brought to you by Bermuda.
Please oh pluheeeeeeeze send me there, ASAP.

Love,
L. Kel.

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My blood is brown

by Lynn on March 11, 2015

I’ve got a crush on a friend.
She is fascinating. And hilarious. And smart. And pretty.

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Her name is Eileen, which is unfortunate, because my cousin is named Elaine.
I have a feeling I call Eileen “Elaine” all the time and I don’t even know it.
If I want her to be my buddy, I’d better get her name right. Right?

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Anyhow, she’s a great cook.
She made Nutella Sea Salt Fudge, and I HAD to copy her.
Because that’s what friends do. They copy. They steal good ideas.

And they laugh at all your jokes.

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So, if you need to drown yourself in chocolate
because you can’t remember your friend’s name,
go to Tasty Kitchen and try the Chocolate Nutella & Sea Salt Fudge.

It’ll make you feel better.
I’ve eaten so much of it, my blood is brown.

Love,
El Kel

“El” for Lynn
“Kel” for Kellan
Get it? :)

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My new job

by Lynn on March 4, 2015

I have a new job. I am a plow.
I cut a path through the deep snow for the dog.

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Frankly, I’m not too happy with my new position.
The pay stinks…so I’m heading to the Big City to find a new job.

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Uh, the city is crowded.

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I feel small.
Insignificant.

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I’m terrified of heights.
So, I’m returning to the country.
I’ll continue to be a human plow for my dog.
AND…I will not, under any circumstances, complain about the cold.

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I hope you’re staying warm…and happy!

Love,
Lynn K.

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My dog is a Martian.

by Lynn on February 25, 2015

Something is wrong with my dog.

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She looks strange.
A wee bit frightening, in fact.
Like a dog from the planet Mars.

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I think she’s an Alien Life Form.

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I asked my dog if she was the only Martian dog on Earth.

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She said, “No.”
The dog near you is a Martian, too.

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Uncomfortable Marriage Moments

by Lynn on February 11, 2015

Lately, I’ve endured a number of uncomfortable marriage moments.
So I thought, “I’d better put these online.”
Because putting stuff online
is always a good idea.

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In my defense, I asked my husband
to redo our bathroom after this incident.

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In my defense,
I write steamy romance novels.

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In my defense,
let’s just say my dog is weird.

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In my defense,
I have no control over my face.

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Have you had any uncomfortable marriage moments lately?

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Santa looks sexy in shorts.

by Lynn on February 4, 2015

Soon, we’ll be complaining about mosquito bites
and sunburn…

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We’ll bask in the sun
and wonder if our dogs are vegetarians.

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We’ll hang out with our famous TV friends.
And sign autographs.

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We’ll lounge on the beach
with our beautiful, hairy children.

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And we’ll walk along the Boardwalk and think…

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“Dang! Santa Claus looks GREAT in shorts!”

Hang in there.
Winter is halfway over.

Love,
LK
“El-Kel”

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Why I am a horrible wife

by Lynn on January 28, 2015

I am a HORRIBLE wife
…because I decorated our master bathroom suite like this:

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Blech. Yucky. Ew!
In my defense, the bathroom was 25+ years old.
So, I asked my husband if he’d like to help me renovate.

REASON #2 that I’m a HORRIBLE wife:
I suggested we renovate the bathroom over Christmas vacation.

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Er, that wasn’t such a good idea.
My poor husband spent every waking moment working on the bathroom.

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Not exactly a relaxing, fun vacation.
But we ended up with this:

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Problem is, he did such a good job.
What renovations shall I ask him to tackle next Christmas?

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This post is brought to you by Horrible Wives.
We like our new bathroom.

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During one of my archeological digs in Costco,
I discovered the REAL reason behind the extinction of dinosaurs:

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Essentially, dinosaurs engaged in too much sex.
All that’s left of their orgiastic lifestyle  is sensuous slathering sauce.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
In order to survive, species must display a high level of control.

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No matter what the temptation…
be it sex, surfing the Internet, or heart-shaped snacks,
a strong level of self-discipline ensures the survival of the fittest.

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Denying self-defeating impulses
will help individuals to another day.

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In conclusion, I’d like to recruit your help.
Help me stop overindulging in sex, Internet surfing, and snacks.

If I don’t develop some willpower,
my dog is gonna steal my checkbook
and buy gobs of dinosaur slathering sauce.

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This post brought to you by People Afraid of Their Dogs.
‘Cuz our dawgs are smarter than we is.

Love,
“El Kels”

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Why I’m holding my breath

by Lynn on January 14, 2015

 Every time I see my brother’s dog,
I have the following conversation with my husband:

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Husband: “No. He’s too big.”

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Husband: “No. He’s too big.”

I decide to hold my breath until he changes his mind.
And then I see my brother trying to cook dinner with his dog…

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Me: “He’s not THAT big.”
Husband: “Yes. He is too big.”
Me: “I was talking about my brother.”

Bwah ha ha ha ha!

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This post brought to you by Bad Jokes.
I’ll stop telling them if you get me an Irish Wolfhound

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