I have a deeply embarrassing problem.
I’ve never revealed my shame, but it’s time.
I’m at my wit’s end. I don’t know what to do. Please help.
My house is full of…
Gosh, I don’t think I can say it.
All right. Here goes. *deep breath*
We have an infestation of…hair spiders.
Ewwwwww. They are so gross.
Tell me you have them in your house. Please.
Lie. Admit your floor is covered with these creatures.
These disgusting critters are born in the clothes dryer.
Long hair from teens and furry dogs form their complex DNA.
They hide in freshly folded clothing and migrate throughout the house.
The only way to stop them is to stop doing laundry.
Got dirty clothes? Throw them out and buy new ones.
If you don’t, the hair spiders will appear in weird places.
I screamed bloody murder when I found hair spiders in my pencil container.
My piercing wails woke the dog up from her fifteenth nap of the day.
I decided to flee from the house, so I changed into tennis clothes.
A little time on the tennis court would dull my anxiety…
I arrived on the court and my girlfriends dropped their racquets and ran.
I assumed they were afraid of my backhand. Little did I know there was a hair spider on my butt.
Moral of the story:
If there is a hair spider on my butt, slap it off and pretend you never saw it.
Hello. It’s mid-term exam week at my house.
That means we’ll be having lots of late night parties with strippers and booze.
Oh, wait. Probably not a good idea. No parties or booze…but I wouldn’t mind a male stripper.
Frankly, I think he’d ease the tension around here.
Especially if he knows the difference between mitosis and meiosis.
It’s the first foray into mid-term exams for my youngest daughter (pictured above).
Did I happen to mention I’m glad I don’t have to take mid-terms?
However, I do have to fill out our taxes, which is a total drag.
Mid-terms or taxes? You pick.
I choose…the stripper.
This will be the LAST high school mid-term exams for my older daughter (pictured above).
Did I happen to mention I’m glad I don’t have to take SATs and apply to college?
Being “middle-aged” does have its perks. I can afford a male stripper now.
Alas, my husband isn’t too excited about inviting a male stripper over.
What a party pooper.
During mid-term exams, I will take pictures of sunsets.
I will bake cakes and cookies and sweets for my kids.
I will try to stop talking about burly male strippers…
unless any of you know one who lives nearby.
This post brought to you by Romance Novelists Writing a Bachelorette Party Scene.
You wouldn’t believe the type of stuff we have to research.
At first, we ran. We played. We threw snowballs.
Now I want to swallow a gnat.
I want to wear bermuda shorts.
I want to play golf and get sunburned.
I want mosquito bites, melting macadam, and poison ivy.
Heck, I’ll even welcome a tick.
The good news is: I won the bet for how much snow we’d get this winter.
The bad news is: I won the bet for how much snow we’d get this winter.
I’ve spent the past three months at my desk, writing while it snows.
I’ve got a wicked case of carpel tunnel syndrome and very poor posture.
If I don’t get outside soon, I will turn into a hunch-backed, brittle crone.
** PLEASE DO ALL YOU CAN TO CAUSE GLOBAL WARMING. **
Lately, my back yard feels a lot like a fraternity party.
There’s a whole lot of guys clustered around one pretty girl.
See her? She’s at the far right of the picture – without any horns.
She’s the most frightened one in the picture…
because she knows what these guys are trying to do.
And not a single one of them brought her flowers or candy.
A couple of the guys had a little too much to drink and started talking about sports.
An argument erupted over whether the Superbowl should be played indoors.
The fellows lost track of time…and lost track of the pretty gal.
However, one dude walked away from the party.
He decided to go study at the library.
Oh, well how ’bout that?
The pretty girl was in the library, too. See her?
Moral of the story: studying is good.
The post brought to you by a Woman With A Faulty Memory.
She keeps telling her kids she studied a lot in college.
Something is wrong. Isn’t February supposed to be a month filled with romance?
Rather than seeing roses, I’m seeing strange apparitions on the back of dirty spoons.
And that’s not the only weird thing going on.
We’re being invaded by horrific, huge creatures.
Like any good mother, I made my daughter get rid of the spider.
Moral of the story:
Do NOT allow your daughter to go away to college next autumn.
I have a confession for my friends in Philadelphia. I’m responsible for all the snow.
You see, my snowman collection has been on display. Snowmen like snow.
However, this past Sunday our temperatures rose.
Mother Nature was telling me it was time to say goodbye to winter.
Spring has sprung!!
I obeyed Mother Nature.
I put away all the snowmen.
I got ready for Valentine’s Day.
The next day, THIS happened:
Moral of the story:
Mother Nature is mean.
This post brought to you by Pale People.
We need warm weather so we can sunbathe again.
Tension is high in my house.
Valentine’s Day is 18 days away.
How will I demonstrate affection for my beloved?
Flowers are so last year.
What about preparing a fantastic meal?
Nah. My culinary exploits require hours of clean-up.
Maybe I’ll get my beloved this, instead, so he can find me when the Martians abduct me.
I may not know when the Martians plan to depart,
but I know exactly what to get my dog for Valentine’s Day.
She’ll do anything for a potato chip
…even dress up like a Xmas tree.
This post brought to you by Shelties.
We train our humans well.
My kids are soooooo happy I got a camera
because I’ve documented every moment of their lives.
My photography isn’t the only parenting task I’ve mastered.
I also set very low expectations for my kids,
so they never feel any pressure to choose a particular college.
Combine these parenting skills with my spectacular cooking skills,
and I’m happy to report my kids have grown into fine, normal individuals.
If you have any parenting questions you’d like me to answer,
feel free to include them in the comment section below.
This post brought to you by Delusional Mothers.
Don’t let us photograph you.
My dog was soooo happy when I took her home.
Here she is, six years ago…
Yeah, I know she looks befuddled and wary.
Trust me, that’s how she looks when she’s joyful.
Under my guidance, she learned how to make friends.
She learned how to become a supermodel.
She posed for thousands of photographs, without pay.
Yesterday, she asked for a raise.
She demanded I pay her for all the pictures.
I offered to double her salary. (Zero times two equals zero. Very affordable!)
She didn’t think I was funny. In fact, she stopped speaking to me and found another family.
And that, my friends, is my tail of woe.
My concerns about global warming have increased.
Frankly, I’m alarmed at the lack of global warming.
What to do with all this snow?
Stick your face in it.
Snow gets rid of wrinkles.
My dog is 42 years old…see how great she looks?
So, I’m off to stick my face in the snow.
How much snow is covering your yard?