Our national anthem plays every morning on the Boardwalk at Ocean City, NJ.
And every morning, people stop, put their hands over the hearts, and listen.
It’s a beautiful, beautiful thing.
Every time I witness this,
I decide to indulge in some good ol’ American festivities…
After the ride, I was a little dizzy.
Which may explain why I fell in love with this guy.
Our relationship was a bit scary.
But not as scary as…
Which is one example of how a day can start out so beautifully…
and end so tragically.
I love the Boardwalk.
Aaaaaand, I found a way to spend the whole summer here:
Will they hire me if I eat all the fries?
I won’t need to use my salary to buy groceries,
because I found a free way to feed my family food they love:
I tried to eat a pizza pie in 11 minutes to win lots of pizza, and failed.
So, this is my new meal plan for delicious summer dinners:
After tonight’s dinner, we went for a walk and saw this sign.
Signs like this one are all over the Boardwalk. I love ’em.
Unfortunately, my dog spotted a different sign…
and stopped talking to me.
We resolved the problem with a special outfit.
I dressed her up as a seagull,
and now she fits right in.
Where will you vacation this summer?
We just spent a week vacationing at “the shore,”
and I learned some VERY odd things.
First of all, Carmen won’t talk about my future…
unless I pay her money. Does that seem wrong to you?
I gave Carmen money…
because I want to know what I can look forward to.
Maybe I’ll sell tons of books, or sign a huge movie deal!
But there’s a ton of people around, Carmen!
Maybe we should just focus on my future love life…
This post brought to you by Carmen.
She’s got a one track mind.
If you experience any of these symptoms,
you need a vacation. Pronto!
You think this is warm:
You have no idea why you took this picture for your blog:
The baby cardinal is your only company.
You catch your dog in a terrible lie.
Let’s pack our bags…Let’s get outta Dodge…
Let’s eat junk food and do nothing for a week…
Are you game?
My daughter is taking a math final today.
On her way out the door, she proclaimed, “Math is STUPID!”
Well, I’m here to prove that I still use math, every single stupid day.
Take, for instance, household chores:
And then there’s pet care:
(There’s no data at the top of the chart because that’s when your dog is sleeping.)
If you’d like to know how to be a GREAT husband, check this out:
And finally, in conclusion, here’s mathematical proof that being an author
isn’t for the faint of heart:
Now stop fooling around and STUDY FOR YOUR MATH FINAL!!!!
Is someone trying to distract you?
I have a “colleague” who won’t let me work.
She constantly asks to play games.
So I gave her a job.
Now that she’s CEO of Security,
I’m getting a LOT more work done.
In fact, I discovered a strange device yesterday.
I picked it up and heard a deep voice.
I think God was calling me…or maybe my husband.
Same thing, right? Bwah ha ha! Ahem. Or should I say Amen?
The deep voice told me to stop and smell the roses.
We don’t have any roses blooming, yet, so I smelled the azalea.
I hope you have the chance to stop and smell the azalea, too.
This post brought to you by Pollen.
A cheap way to turn your car green!
Spring sprung…into my nostrils.
I don’t mind sneezing.
After the merciless winter, it’s nice to see blooms.
Yesterday, I spent a lot of time in my garden,
cultivating a crop of expensive, stunning flowers…
Everything seemed to be going my way,
until I skipped to the mailbox and found this atrocity:
My spring ain’t rusty! My spring still coils!
Wait…this card will get me a free donut?
50 is the new 10!
We need to beef up security at home
so no one steals our old swing set.
Alas, our dog doesn’t instill much fear
into the hearts of thieves and solicitors.
I needed to turn my Sheltie into something ferocious.
So I went to the hardware store, spent $2.99, and presto!
She looks ferocious now, right?
This post brought to you by People Who Throw Money at Problems.
For 299 pennies, you can turn your dog into a Pit Bull.
If you want to stay out of trouble,
don’t have lunch with romance writers.
I ignored this rule and met my writer buddies at a conservatory.
We spoke about the publishing industry and took pictures of the gardens.
But then something odd happened. We found something else to photograph.
Aren’t these gardens magnificent?
Suddenly, I can’t get enough of all things botanical.
Everything looks so…so…handsome.
My. Oh. My.
Hand me a rake
…and a telephoto lens.
Geez oh Pete, I’m returning to the conservatory tomorrow.
‘Cuz I like learning about flowers and stuff.
This post brought to you by guilty pleasures.
What guilty pleasures do you like to watch?
I like to avoid uncomfortable things.
Like unloading the dishwasher.
Or death. Sad movies.
But it’s April 15th.
I can’t avoid taxes any more.
Deep breaths. Happy thoughts…
I owe this year.
Uncle Sam, you’re soooooo mean!
There’s been a mistake.
I’m getting a REFUND!!!!
This post brought to you by my accountant.
I love, love, love, love, love her!!!!
So, do you compute your taxes?
Or do you crawl to an accountant and beg for help like I do?