Phew. School is officially over. I can stop pretending.
I have a problem that came out of nowhere. One day, I was perfectly happy playing Tetris on my cell phone. The next day, my kid’s teacher walked out of school and I noticed that he had a really nice smile…and I felt giddy and woozy. The past few weeks, I’ve stopped playing Tetris during carpool and spent the entire time looking for my crush. Would he step outside? What would he be wearing? Golly, would our eyes meet? What if we got close to each other? What would I say? Gosh, I hope I don’t do anything stupid. I really want to talk to him, yet I’m terrified at the same time. He’s so….dreamy!
When he did appear, I devised ways to stare at him without getting caught. I’d prop up a magazine and peer over it’s edge to get an eyeful. I’d study his interactions while I pretended to file my nails. I positioned the rear view mirror so that I could spy to my heart’s content. Sigh.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m a happily married woman… my poor husband is shackled with me until my last, sputtering breath. My husband is my rock, my safe place, my dude. I have no intention of ever leaving him, because who else would marry a woman with the sinus troubles of Felix Unger? Given my devotion to my spouse, this schoolgirl crush is baffling to me. Perhaps my hormones are off-kilter.
Even if I’ve begun the roller coaster ride of pre-menopausal estrogen levels, I don’t wanna fix it. I’m kind of enjoying the angst, the compulsion about whether my hair is puffy or not, the humiliation of a burgeoning pimple. Somehow, smack dab in middle age, I’ve become a teenager again; perhaps it’s infectious. My girls are in the throws of it, themselves. Maybe I’ve caught the same virus.
I just have one complaint: why did I have to go gaga for my kid’s teacher? I think the relationship between parent and teacher is complex enough; imagine how weird it’ll be with a crush in the mix? I’m going to see this fellow for the next 3 years. Knowing my propensity for social gaffes, I fear that it’s only a matter of time before I do something REALLY stupid. My poor kid is going to have to muddle through school saddled with “the embarrassingly giggly mom” every time that particular teacher appears.
There’s real reason to worry. A few days ago, he walked out of the school with an attractive teacher. I felt a shock of betrayal as I watched them saunter down the sidewalk. How could he smile at her that way? Didn’t he know that I thought he was the cat’s meow? Why was he wasting time on that nubile, twenty-something woman when he could spent an uncomfortable five minutes talking to a middle-aged woman whose chin is too small and teeth are too large? Didn’t he know how I struggled not to yell, “You’re cute!” every time I saw him?
As my eyes turned green with jealousy, a sane voice in the back of my brain said “What the heck are you DOING?” To which my insane voice answered, “But look at the breadth of his SHOULDERS! He’s so…manly.” And he is manly, folks. I wouldn’t get loopy for just any ol’ teacher. I only go for the brawny ones… who happen to teach my kids and thereby give me a fantastic way to humiliate my children for years on end. Don’t you wish I was your mother?
So, I humbly ask for your help. I’ve got a real problem here. We’re talking about the very real possibility that I will turn into a blithering idiot every time I’m at school, thereby signing my daughter up for psychotherapy at a very young age. Please, folks, how do I act like a normal human being in the presence of a hunky teacher?
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