Why do dogs have eyebrows?
My dog doesn’t need them.
She NEVER frowns, because I’m sooo super nice.
Which is what I told Santa when I saw him in the mall.
He didn’t believe me.
I didn’t believe he used enough conditioner on his beard.
Soooo, I found another Santa and tried to explain that I’ve been nice.
He looked too darned surprised at my story.
Sooooo, I found another Santa at the grocery store.
He couldn’t hear a word I said because of all his hair.
In fact, he didn’t hear anything I said this year,
which is why I gave him my wish list.
Wishing you a happy, merry, joyful Christmas!
This is FINAL EXAM WEEK for my college kid.
Like any good mother, I asked Santa to bring her some easy tests.
He refused my request and gave me a soulless stare.
I found another Santa and asked for his help.
He refused my request and asked for directions to the nearest toy store.
I found ANOTHER Santa and asked for his help.
He agreed to help, because he was afraid I’d eat the pom-pom on his hat.
This post brought to you by Moms.
We will do anything for our kids.
I’ve hidden my husband from the public eye,
but today I’m going to reveal him.
(Please ignore the creepy look on my face.)
I brought him to meet my fellow romance authors
at our annual holiday party.
Here he is among the presents.
Every year, we do a gift exchange.
The wrapping gets pretty, er, raunchy.
I was going to take Sherlock home with me,
but THIS WOMAN stole him from me:
Darn you, Veronica Forand!! Darn you!!
This post brought to you by The Secret Lives of Romance Authors.
We fight over cardboard cutouts of our heroes.
I’m trying to get ready for Halloween.
I need to scare kids away, because I want all the candy.
This might work:
Nah. Not scary enough.
Gnomes are scary…how ’bout this one?
Nah. He’s wearing headphones. He looks like a normal kid.
Don’t worry, though. I found the perfect scary gnome:
This guy will scare everyone,
and I’ll have ALL THE CANDY to myself.
In honor of Halloween,
let’s talk about scary.
This is scary:
Authors are terrified of mannequins.
Because we don’t know how to spell mannequin.
This, however, is VERY scary:
Why is a lemon tart scary?
It’s downright mortifying if you don’t have $5.00 in your pocket.
And this, well, I can’t decide if it’s scary or not:
Look at the picture.
I think the kid in the cart is pointing the way to the sales rack!
That’s not scary…that’s extremely helpful!
This post brought to you by Parents Who Have College Kids.
Our kids don’t fit in shopping carts very easily.
But we try.
We’re approaching Halloween.
Here is someone who is scared of everything:
Normally, dogs don’t scare me.
Until I saw this:
I’m NEVER going to that park EVER AGAIN.
And I’m never touching a door handle ever again.
Which is why I’m trapped in my house, unable to leave.
Last week, I promised to blog about something “helpful.”
To boost my brain, I visited my daughter at college,
…whom I had when I was seven.
Anyhow, I kept looking for inspiration.
You know, a sign.
I bet you see these type of signs on every college campus.
Yep, college signs were everywhere.
Despite these signs, I was inspired.
So, I sat in the library and did some light reading.
I thought I fit right in.
Heck, I looked exactly like a twenty year-old.
And then it hit me – reading Nietzsche takes 20 years off your appearance!
This is extremely helpful information that I can share with my friends!!!!!!!!!
The campus police were very nice when they escorted me out of the library.
I told them I was a “college senior,” but they insisted I was a “senior citizen.”
And then I wept.
And then I wrote a lengthy letter of apology.
To my daughter. And to the librarian.
And to Nietzsche.
This post brought to you by Helpful Information.
Use at your own risk.
It’s about time we do a “Best Ever” post, right?
Here is something for the Art Historians in the audience:
After I saw the mer-horse-maid, I was inspired.
I ran home and made mashed cheese and cauliflower.
Which ended up being more awesome than the horse statue.
My husband was so grateful for the fabulous meal,
he gave me a fortune cookie.
‘Cuz I love cookies.
This post brought to you by Useless Information.
Next week, I’ll try to share something helpful.
I have a terrible problem.
I don’t think it’s weird to fantasize about a statue.
I mean, Michelangelo’s David is downright handsome.
Okay. Maybe this whole statue thing is weird, so I’m gonna switch topics.
For the first time EVER, I’m going to show you a picture of my husband:
He’s the strong, silent type.
Just the way I like ’em.
This post brought to you by Romance Authors.
We like men with granite jaws.
If you are my child,
STOP reading my blog.
Because today I’m talking about
my addiction to porn.
I. Love. Porn.
There. I said it. Don’t judge.
And you love porn, too.
Especially food porn.
And if I say “porn” enough in this post,
I’m going to get some really interesting spam.
Which will entertain me all afternoon when I should be writing.
This post brought to you by Porn.
Because I haven’t embarrassed my family enough.