My house is haunted

by Lynn on February 7, 2014

Something  is wrong. Isn’t February supposed to be a month filled with romance?
Rather than seeing roses, I’m seeing strange apparitions on the back of dirty spoons.

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And that’s not the only weird thing going on.
We’re being invaded by horrific, huge creatures.

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Like any good mother, I made my daughter get rid of the spider.

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Moral of the story:
Do NOT allow your daughter to go away to college next autumn.

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How to make winter stop – GUARANTEED!

by Lynn on February 5, 2014

I have a confession for my friends in Philadelphia. I’m responsible for all the snow.
You see, my snowman collection has been on display. Snowmen like snow.

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However, this past Sunday our temperatures rose.
Mother Nature was telling me it was time to say goodbye to winter.

Spring has sprung!!

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I obeyed Mother Nature.
I put away all the snowmen.
I got ready for Valentine’s Day.

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The next day, THIS happened:

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Moral of the story:
Mother Nature is mean.

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This post brought to you by Pale People.
We need warm weather so we can sunbathe again.

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Tension is high in my house.
Valentine’s Day is 18 days away.

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How will I demonstrate affection for my beloved?
Flowers are so last year.

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What about preparing a fantastic meal?
Nah. My culinary exploits require hours of clean-up.
Maybe I’ll get my beloved this, instead, so he can find me when the Martians abduct me.

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I may not know when the Martians plan to depart,
but I know exactly what to get my dog for Valentine’s Day.

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She’ll do anything for a potato chip
…even dress up like a Xmas tree.

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This post brought to you by Shelties.
We train our humans well.

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A camera ruined my kids’ lives.

by Lynn on January 31, 2014

My kids are soooooo happy I got a camera
because I’ve documented every moment of their lives.

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My photography isn’t the only parenting task I’ve mastered.
I also set very low expectations for my kids,
so they never feel any pressure to choose a particular college.

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Combine these parenting skills with my spectacular cooking skills,
and I’m happy to report my kids have grown into fine, normal individuals.

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If you have any parenting questions you’d like me to answer,
feel free to include them in the comment section below.

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This post brought to you by Delusional Mothers.
Don’t let us photograph you.

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Stuffed animals are NOT your family.

by Lynn on January 29, 2014

My dog was soooo happy when I took her home.
Here she is, six years ago…

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Yeah, I know she looks befuddled and wary.
Trust me, that’s how she looks when she’s joyful.
Under my guidance, she learned how to make friends.

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She learned how to become a supermodel.
She posed for thousands of photographs, without pay.

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Yesterday, she asked for a raise.
She demanded I pay her for all the pictures.
I offered to double her salary. (Zero times two equals zero. Very affordable!)
She didn’t think I was funny. In fact, she stopped speaking to me and found another family.

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And that, my friends, is my tail of woe.

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My concerns about global warming have increased.

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Frankly, I’m alarmed at the lack of global warming.

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What to do with all this snow?
Stick your face in it.

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Snow gets rid of wrinkles.
My dog is 42 years old…see how great she looks?

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So, I’m off to stick my face in the snow.

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How much snow is covering your yard?

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My cell phone finds Martians

by Lynn on January 24, 2014

Something weird happened.
I asked my cell phone to take me home. It didn’t.

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Rather than direct me to my humble abode,
my phone sent me past a series of odd structures.

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I swear, they looked like spaceships on a stick.
Some of them hovered above buildings.
Scary.

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The spaceships were painted to blend into the environment…
‘Cause Martians are smart. They don’t want to alarm us.

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Have you ever met someone who runs a water tower?
Have you ever seen a water tower being built?
Me, neither. Water towers appear overnight
because they are spaceships in disguise.
Parked in our back yards.

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I’m documenting their presence, taking pictures.
Someday, one of these are going to take off, with me inside.
Frankly, I’m counting on you to remember which one I’m in and tell the authorities!

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This post brought to you by People With Too Much Time On Their Hands.
We panic for no good reason.

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This is why my tree is weird.

by Lynn on January 22, 2014

A giant sat on my tree.

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The tree adapted to the giant’s weight and girth.
Kind of like how my yoga pants adapted to my post-Xmas weight and girth.

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I believe the giant was waiting for his beloved.
She was making a snowman in the field.

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At least, that’s what she told the giant.
I see no evidence of a snowman.
Or even snow tracks. Oh, no.
Impending heartache alert!
She’s nowhere to be seen:

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What do giants do when their hearts are broken?
They eat this:

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FYI – cheesecake makes yoga pants shrink
…which is why I only eat chocolate.

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How to have fun with a dictionary

by Lynn on January 20, 2014

Do you have a dictionary, some paper, and pencils?
You can play Fictionary!

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Pick out a weird word nobody knows.
Have your friends write a definition of the word.
Collect the definitions and read them out loud, including the correct definition.
You get a point each time someone doesn’t pick the right definition.
Your friends get a point for every vote cast for their definitions.

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Let’s play.
What is the definition of “remplissage?”

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Nope. The correct definition of remplissage is:
“verbiage used to fill up space” (used in literary criticism).

What is the definition of “laaba?”

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Nope.
Try again.

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Nope.
A “laaba” is a high shelf.

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In my family, Fictionary is the perfect place to provide ridiculous answers.
Exhibit A:

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In reality, a “quab” is something immature or unfinished.
But if you think about it, the above answer is immature, so it might just work.

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Whenever my husband is the one reading definitions, I love to put words into his mouth:

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“Spavin” isn’t husbandly adoration but a disease that occurs in a horse’s hock.
(I like my definition better.)
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My family plays “Fictionary” whenever we get together.
For a more detailed description of the rules, click here.
Now go have fun with your dictionary!

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Winter is yucky.
Especially if you have a dog to walk.
Particularly if you dog chased a squirrel into your neighbor’s house.

Exhibit A – Naughty Dog

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Exhibit B – Wet, messy, dirty dog who doesn’t want to be cleaned.

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Place wet, dirty, naughty dog in a brightly wrapped box.
Unwrap the box next Christmas.

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Exhibit C – clean, happy, well-behaved dog.

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 Clearly, I’m joking.
Don’t wait a year to unwrap your dog.
A week will be just fine.

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This post brought to you by People Who Need A Vacation.
Preferably, someplace warm without snow.

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