Signs you need a vacation…

by Lynn on June 10, 2015

If you experience any of these symptoms,
you need a vacation. Pronto!

Symptom #1:
You think this is warm:

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Symptom #2:
You have no idea why you took this picture for your blog:

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Symptom #3:
The baby cardinal is your only company.

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Symptom #4:
You catch your dog in a terrible lie.

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Let’s pack our bags…Let’s get outta Dodge…
Let’s eat junk food and do nothing for a week…

Are you game?

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2 plus 2 equals orange

by Lynn on June 3, 2015

My daughter is taking a math final today.
On her way out the door, she proclaimed, “Math is STUPID!”
Well, I’m here to prove that I still use math, every single stupid day.

Take, for instance, household chores:

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And then there’s pet care:

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(There’s no data at the top of the chart because that’s when your dog is sleeping.)

If you’d like to know how to be a GREAT husband, check this out:

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And finally, in conclusion, here’s mathematical proof that being an author
isn’t for the faint of heart:

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Now stop fooling around and STUDY FOR YOUR MATH FINAL!!!!

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Is someone trying to distract you?

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I have a “colleague” who won’t let me work.
She constantly asks to play games.
So I gave her a job.

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Now that she’s CEO of Security,
I’m getting a LOT more work done.
In fact, I discovered a strange device yesterday.

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I picked it up and heard a deep voice.
I think God was calling me…or maybe my husband.
Same thing, right? Bwah ha ha! Ahem. Or should I say Amen?

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The deep voice told me to stop and smell the roses.
We don’t have any roses blooming, yet, so I smelled the azalea.
I hope you have the chance to stop and smell the azalea, too.

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This post brought to you by Pollen.
A cheap way to turn your car green!

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Spring has unwound

by Lynn on May 6, 2015

Spring sprung…into my nostrils.

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I don’t mind sneezing.
After the merciless winter, it’s nice to see blooms.

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Yesterday, I spent a lot of time in my garden,
cultivating a crop of expensive, stunning flowers…

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Everything seemed to be going my way,
until I skipped to the mailbox and found this atrocity:

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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
My spring ain’t rusty! My spring still coils!
Wait…this card will get me a free donut?

*squeeee!*

It’s official.
50 is the new 10!

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How I turned my dog into a Pit Bull

by Lynn on April 29, 2015

We need to beef up security at home
so no one steals our old swing set.

Alas, our dog doesn’t instill much fear
into the hearts of thieves and solicitors.

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I needed to turn my Sheltie into something ferocious.
So I went to the hardware store, spent $2.99, and presto!

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Boo-Yah!
She looks ferocious now, right?

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This post brought to you by People Who Throw Money at Problems.
For 299 pennies, you can turn your dog into a Pit Bull.

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My garden is full of MEN.

by Lynn on April 22, 2015

If you want to stay out of trouble,
don’t have lunch with romance writers.

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I ignored this rule and met my writer buddies at a conservatory.
We spoke about the publishing industry and took pictures of the gardens.
But then something odd happened. We found something else to photograph.

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Oh, golly.
Aren’t these gardens magnificent?

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Suddenly, I can’t get enough of all things botanical.
Everything looks so…so…handsome.

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My. Oh. My.
Hand me a rake
…and a telephoto lens.

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Geez oh Pete, I’m returning to the conservatory tomorrow.
‘Cuz I like learning about flowers and stuff.

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This post brought to you by guilty pleasures.
What guilty pleasures do you like to watch?

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Hello spring. Goodbye money.

by Lynn on April 15, 2015

I like to avoid uncomfortable things.
Like unloading the dishwasher.
Or death. Sad movies.
And taxes.

But it’s April 15th.
I can’t avoid taxes any more.
Deep breaths. Happy thoughts…

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Oh, Lordy.
I owe this year.

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Uncle Sam, you’re soooooo mean!

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Wait, what?
There’s been a mistake.
I’m getting a REFUND!!!!

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This post brought to you by my accountant.
I love, love, love, love, love her!!!!

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So, do you compute your taxes?
Or do you crawl to an accountant and beg for help like I do?

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I purchased some lovely statuary for my vast estate.
When I brought them home, my loneliness melted away.

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OH! Well, um.
Thanks for the complement.
But, you see, I’m married. Very happily, and…

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How embarrassing.
I thought he was talking to me.
What? I can’t hear you. Too many voices!

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Gosh, this is ridiculous.
I’m returning all of these chatterboxes.
But I’m keeping one, because she is full of wisdom.

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I’m going to try this, tomorrow.

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This post brought to you by Wisdom.
Hold the grapes in front of your breasts, not by your hips.

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Does this water make me look fat?

by Lynn on April 1, 2015

I’m fascinated by hippos.
They’ve got huge bodies perched on tiny legs.
They’re gray. No, they’re pink. Uh, pink and gray.

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They’re landlubbers.
No, they prefer the water.
Geez, I can’t figure these guys out.

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They look kinda cute.
And heck, with a backside like this,
it’s easy to believe they’re cuddly as a kitten.

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Truth is, they’re incredibly dangerous.
They weigh up to 9000 pounds and have razor sharp teeth.
And…they kill more humans than any other beast in Africa.

So, I have one question:

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Backing away slowly from the aquarium window…

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WooHoo! I’m in the zoo.

by Lynn on March 25, 2015

I saw a bird in my bathtub.

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Strange sponges in the dishwater.

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Fearsome alligators.
No, wait. Not so fearsome.
He’s waving. He’s FRIENDLY!

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I get closer, because I need a friend.
Writing is a lonely business.
Just one more step.
And then…

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Don’t be alarmed. It’s dark in here. And quiet.
Perfect for writing. And weeping.
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This post brought to you by The Zoo.
Listen to the zookeeper when he says, “Step back, ma’am.”

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