I purchased some lovely statuary for my vast estate.
When I brought them home, my loneliness melted away.

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OH! Well, um.
Thanks for the complement.
But, you see, I’m married. Very happily, and…

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How embarrassing.
I thought he was talking to me.
What? I can’t hear you. Too many voices!

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Gosh, this is ridiculous.
I’m returning all of these chatterboxes.
But I’m keeping one, because she is full of wisdom.

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I’m going to try this, tomorrow.

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This post brought to you by Wisdom.
Hold the grapes in front of your breasts, not by your hips.

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Does this water make me look fat?

by Lynn on April 1, 2015

I’m fascinated by hippos.
They’ve got huge bodies perched on tiny legs.
They’re gray. No, they’re pink. Uh, pink and gray.

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They’re landlubbers.
No, they prefer the water.
Geez, I can’t figure these guys out.

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They look kinda cute.
And heck, with a backside like this,
it’s easy to believe they’re cuddly as a kitten.

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Truth is, they’re incredibly dangerous.
They weigh up to 9000 pounds and have razor sharp teeth.
And…they kill more humans than any other beast in Africa.

So, I have one question:

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Backing away slowly from the aquarium window…

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WooHoo! I’m in the zoo.

by Lynn on March 25, 2015

I saw a bird in my bathtub.

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Strange sponges in the dishwater.

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Fearsome alligators.
No, wait. Not so fearsome.
He’s waving. He’s FRIENDLY!

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I get closer, because I need a friend.
Writing is a lonely business.
Just one more step.
And then…

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Don’t be alarmed. It’s dark in here. And quiet.
Perfect for writing. And weeping.
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This post brought to you by The Zoo.
Listen to the zookeeper when he says, “Step back, ma’am.”

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Is there such a thing as too much butter?

by Lynn on March 18, 2015

Last night, I added too much butter to my noodles.
Then I realized, there’s no such thing as too much butter.
And then I realized, I’m suffering from The Mid-March Blues.

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I’m surrounded by a salty sea of sand and gravel.
The residue of winter. Blech.

I’m under deadline, so I’m writing like mad.
When I do go outside, my dog wants little to do with me.
I think she blames me for the salty sea of sand and gravel.

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I stopped my Mid-March Blues by checking the photographs I took last year.
Last March, this is what my world looked like:

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Oh, my. That’s a lot of snow.
Pull up a chair and let’s talk about how much we despise winter…

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Now I don’t feel so badly about the salty sea of sand and gravel.
At least it’s not snow…but there is snow forecast for tomorrow night.
*sob*

This post brought to you by Bermuda.
Please oh pluheeeeeeeze send me there, ASAP.

Love,
L. Kel.

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My blood is brown

by Lynn on March 11, 2015

I’ve got a crush on a friend.
She is fascinating. And hilarious. And smart. And pretty.

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Her name is Eileen, which is unfortunate, because my cousin is named Elaine.
I have a feeling I call Eileen “Elaine” all the time and I don’t even know it.
If I want her to be my buddy, I’d better get her name right. Right?

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Anyhow, she’s a great cook.
She made Nutella Sea Salt Fudge, and I HAD to copy her.
Because that’s what friends do. They copy. They steal good ideas.

And they laugh at all your jokes.

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So, if you need to drown yourself in chocolate
because you can’t remember your friend’s name,
go to Tasty Kitchen and try the Chocolate Nutella & Sea Salt Fudge.

It’ll make you feel better.
I’ve eaten so much of it, my blood is brown.

Love,
El Kel

“El” for Lynn
“Kel” for Kellan
Get it? :)

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My new job

by Lynn on March 4, 2015

I have a new job. I am a plow.
I cut a path through the deep snow for the dog.

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Frankly, I’m not too happy with my new position.
The pay stinks…so I’m heading to the Big City to find a new job.

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Uh, the city is crowded.

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I feel small.
Insignificant.

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I’m terrified of heights.
So, I’m returning to the country.
I’ll continue to be a human plow for my dog.
AND…I will not, under any circumstances, complain about the cold.

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I hope you’re staying warm…and happy!

Love,
Lynn K.

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My dog is a Martian.

by Lynn on February 25, 2015

Something is wrong with my dog.

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She looks strange.
A wee bit frightening, in fact.
Like a dog from the planet Mars.

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I think she’s an Alien Life Form.

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I asked my dog if she was the only Martian dog on Earth.

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She said, “No.”
The dog near you is a Martian, too.

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Uncomfortable Marriage Moments

by Lynn on February 11, 2015

Lately, I’ve endured a number of uncomfortable marriage moments.
So I thought, “I’d better put these online.”
Because putting stuff online
is always a good idea.

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In my defense, I asked my husband
to redo our bathroom after this incident.

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In my defense,
I write steamy romance novels.

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In my defense,
let’s just say my dog is weird.

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In my defense,
I have no control over my face.

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Have you had any uncomfortable marriage moments lately?

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Santa looks sexy in shorts.

by Lynn on February 4, 2015

Soon, we’ll be complaining about mosquito bites
and sunburn…

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We’ll bask in the sun
and wonder if our dogs are vegetarians.

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We’ll hang out with our famous TV friends.
And sign autographs.

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We’ll lounge on the beach
with our beautiful, hairy children.

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And we’ll walk along the Boardwalk and think…

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“Dang! Santa Claus looks GREAT in shorts!”

Hang in there.
Winter is halfway over.

Love,
LK
“El-Kel”

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Why I am a horrible wife

by Lynn on January 28, 2015

I am a HORRIBLE wife
…because I decorated our master bathroom suite like this:

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Blech. Yucky. Ew!
In my defense, the bathroom was 25+ years old.
So, I asked my husband if he’d like to help me renovate.

REASON #2 that I’m a HORRIBLE wife:
I suggested we renovate the bathroom over Christmas vacation.

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Er, that wasn’t such a good idea.
My poor husband spent every waking moment working on the bathroom.

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Not exactly a relaxing, fun vacation.
But we ended up with this:

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Problem is, he did such a good job.
What renovations shall I ask him to tackle next Christmas?

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This post is brought to you by Horrible Wives.
We like our new bathroom.

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