Something weird happened.
I asked my cell phone to take me home. It didn’t.
Rather than direct me to my humble abode,
my phone sent me past a series of odd structures.
I swear, they looked like spaceships on a stick.
Some of them hovered above buildings.
The spaceships were painted to blend into the environment…
‘Cause Martians are smart. They don’t want to alarm us.
Have you ever met someone who runs a water tower?
Have you ever seen a water tower being built?
Me, neither. Water towers appear overnight
because they are spaceships in disguise.
Parked in our back yards.
I’m documenting their presence, taking pictures.
Someday, one of these are going to take off, with me inside.
Frankly, I’m counting on you to remember which one I’m in and tell the authorities!
This post brought to you by People With Too Much Time On Their Hands.
We panic for no good reason.
A giant sat on my tree.
The tree adapted to the giant’s weight and girth.
Kind of like how my yoga pants adapted to my post-Xmas weight and girth.
I believe the giant was waiting for his beloved.
She was making a snowman in the field.
At least, that’s what she told the giant.
I see no evidence of a snowman.
Or even snow tracks. Oh, no.
Impending heartache alert!
She’s nowhere to be seen:
What do giants do when their hearts are broken?
They eat this:
FYI – cheesecake makes yoga pants shrink
…which is why I only eat chocolate.
Do you have a dictionary, some paper, and pencils?
You can play Fictionary!
Pick out a weird word nobody knows.
Have your friends write a definition of the word.
Collect the definitions and read them out loud, including the correct definition.
You get a point each time someone doesn’t pick the right definition.
Your friends get a point for every vote cast for their definitions.
What is the definition of “remplissage?”
Nope. The correct definition of remplissage is:
“verbiage used to fill up space” (used in literary criticism).
What is the definition of “laaba?”
A “laaba” is a high shelf.
In my family, Fictionary is the perfect place to provide ridiculous answers.
In reality, a “quab” is something immature or unfinished.
But if you think about it, the above answer is immature, so it might just work.
Whenever my husband is the one reading definitions, I love to put words into his mouth:
“Spavin” isn’t husbandly adoration but a disease that occurs in a horse’s hock.
(I like my definition better.)
My family plays “Fictionary” whenever we get together.
For a more detailed description of the rules, click here.
Now go have fun with your dictionary!
Winter is yucky.
Especially if you have a dog to walk.
Particularly if you dog chased a squirrel into your neighbor’s house.
Exhibit A – Naughty Dog
Exhibit B – Wet, messy, dirty dog who doesn’t want to be cleaned.
Place wet, dirty, naughty dog in a brightly wrapped box.
Unwrap the box next Christmas.
Exhibit C – clean, happy, well-behaved dog.
Clearly, I’m joking.
Don’t wait a year to unwrap your dog.
A week will be just fine.
This post brought to you by People Who Need A Vacation.
Preferably, someplace warm without snow.
The first game of winter lacrosse season can be ugly.
Should I watch the girls who are about to score?
Or should I watch my kid get hit with the ball?
Should I watch the score board?
Perhaps I’d better stare at the turf and watch it grow.
Or maybe I need to watch the father yelling obscenities to the ref?
Suddenly, the answer was right in front of me.
I feel sooooo much calmer now.
This post brought to you by Goalie Moms.
Bring us cookies.
Boredom is dangerous.
To escape boredom’s dangerous grip, we took a walk.
Alas, we forgot to check one thing: the temperature.
Halfway through the neighborhood, we headed home.
‘Cause we’re wimps.
Boredom opened its arms and invited us inside the warm living room.
To escape boredom’s clutches, I asked my kid to draw a picture of me.
Notice that my kid went to the trouble of drawing a vertical and horizontal guideline.
She intended to make this picture VERY precise. An exact replica of me.
Ohmygosh, I had no idea my nose was so…pointy.
And someone better get me a comb, pronto.
This post brought to you by Parental Mistakes.
Never, ever, ask your kid to draw a picture of you.
Don’t be jealous…but my husband wants me to gain weight.
Why else would he bring home stuff like this?
Clearly, he thinks I’m toooooo skinny.
I’m inclined to agree.
The cold winter requires a few extra pounds for warmth.
At this rate, I’ll be able to go outside without a coat.
And I’ll be able to buy a larger bra.
Hey, wait a second…is that why my husband keeps bringing home goodies?
This post brought to you by Wives Who Wonder.
Would you please pass the nachos?
I love presents that come in little boxes, don’t you?
It’s even better when there’s a little box inside the little box.
My breath caught.
What did my husband get me?
A diamond ring?
No, wait. A diamond pendant?
Oh, yes, yes, YES!!!!!!!!!!
To thank my husband, I unloaded the dishwasher
…because that’s what he really wanted, right? RIGHT?
Did you get a nice present in December?
What was it?
Over Xmas, I forgave my dog for eating all the Thanksgiving appetizers.
Then I went to my brother’s house and met his dog.
I was enraged. Must my brother always best me?
His dog was far larger than my puny Sheltie.
How could this happen? Dogs don’t normally weight 180 pounds!
I suggested testing the dog for steroids, but my brother refused.
As a result, Christmas dinner was a bit tense.
We made faces at one another when no one looked.
Unfortunately, our silent battle produced an unfortunate result.
We lost track of his dog’s location…until we heard a loud clatter from the kitchen.
The Irish Wolfhound helped himself to the pumpkin pie.
After a stern lecture, my brother put the naughty dog outside…
…and I felt vindicated.
My dog didn’t eat Christmas, but my brother’s did!
Mwah ha ha ha ha!!!!
Victory tastes a bit like pumpkin pie.
This post brought to you by Resolutions.
I resolve to stop making faces at my brother during holiday dinners.
What is your New Year’s resolution?
Wishing you all a joyful, merry Christmas!