If you see me on a crowded sidewalk…

by Lynn on January 11, 2012

I’ve never mastered the art of getting around a city.
Whenever I’m in one, I feel completely ill-at-ease and lost.
Rather like finding myself atop a rugged mountain with no way down.


Finding myself in a mass of people gives me vertigo.
The hustle bustle of a crowded city sidewalk can leave me paralyzed.


So if you see me standing wide-eyed on a sidewalk,
please smile at me and say hello. It will make me feel better.


And then could you please take my hand,
and lead me to the nearest source of chocolate?


And then could you please stuff me in a taxi and send me back to the country?


And then could you please tell me that I never have to go to the city again?


And then could you please move all the museums and cool city stuff
out to the country?


And then could you please teach me how to navigate the city?
Because if we move all this cool stuff to the country,
I’m going to find myself in the city again,
and I’ll have to return to the city
just for some peace & quiet.

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This post brought to you by City-Phobics.
We don’t know how to cure ourselves.

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The one thing we need to give, and receive, every day.

by Lynn on January 9, 2012

The great thing about dogs is that they aren’t human.


Dogs don’t worry about showing their vulnerabilities.
They will go the extra mile to show how much they need you.


Dogs will make fools out of themselves, just to stay beside you.
We humans, however, are prideful creatures. We try not to appear needy.

Waiting for his family to walk through the door...

I think the world would be a better place,
if humans acted more like dogs.

Still waiting...

If you are lucky enough to have a dog fall in love with you,
there is never any question in your mind that they adore you.
I think that’s one reason why it is so hard to say goodbye to them.


Just last week, our family had to say goodbye to Riley.
He had osteosarcoma – a bone cancer that is common to his breed.

Riley, pictured above as a puppy, belonged to my brother’s family.
He was the first Irish Wolfhound we met. At first, we were stunned by his size.
Then we were impressed with his character. All he ever wanted to do was love his family.


Perhaps that is the greatest lesson our dogs teach us:
Do everything you can to show your family you love them.
Because that’s all we really want… to know we are loved.

What an important gift to give (and receive) every day.

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I resolve to find what rhymes with “orange”

by Lynn on January 6, 2012

Resolutions are like diets.
I’ve never had one that lasted more than a month.
So this year, I’m making resolutions that I know I’ll keep.

#1 – I resolve to celebrate more often.

#2 – I resolve to drink only from screw top champagne bottles,
because they crack me up.

#3 – I resolve to figure out how to remove that weird thing from between my legs.


#4 – I resolve to spend more time with friends.

#5 – I resolve to spend more time with friends who bring me pie.

#6 – I resolve to share pie with friends instead of eating it all myself.
Actually, that’s not my real resolution for this year.
In 2012, I am going to do something scary.
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There are a couple of things that I’d really like to try, but I’ve been too timid to attempt.
One of those things is as simple as driving to Philly to see the Museum of Art.
This year, I’m going to tackle a few of my “wishes.”

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Okay, now it’s your time to confess.
Tell me one of your resolutions for 2012.

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Old Lang Sign

by Lynn on January 4, 2012

 We met accidentally as we carried our stuff into our college dorm.
I was probably carrying an armload of Donna Summer albums and makeup.
Fortunately, my new friend didn’t mind my taste in music or pink iridescent eye shadow.

Now, I don’t want to give the impression that we goofed around all the time.
In fact, our college years were filled with solemn, contemplative moments.

See, Mom and Dad? Look at the studious contemplation on my face.
And please pay no attention to the hideous purple sweater I’m wearing.

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Fast forward, 20 years…

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I’m pleased to admit that my taste in sweaters has changed,
but my college roommate and I are unchanged.


My teeth are still HUGE.
Her hair is still ridiculously awesome.
I can still spill my guts to her, and she loves me anyway.
We had dinner over Xmas, and spent much of our time discussing great literature.


As usual, she reminded me to stop and smell the flowers.


It took us a while to figure out they were silk roses.
In our defense, we were distracted by the guys we met.


For a panicked moment, I thought I lost my roommate.
I felt like a freshman who got separated from her buddies at a frat party.
Not that I EVER went to a frat party. I’m just imagining how it would feel, okay?


I felt a surge of relief when I saw my roommate standing by the elevators.
Imagine my embarrassment when I dragged the wrong person to the restaurant.

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Luckily, my college buddy is used to my foibles.
She stopped me before I bought the Nutcracker a beer.

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For old time’s sake, we visited the banquet room where my husband and I wed.
By the way, my husband has blue eyes like that Nutcracker…hence, my confusion.


It’s been years since I strode into that room wearing a white bridal gown.
It was nice to think that despite the intervening years,
we are still fundamentally the same people.

No matter what is going on,
she always makes me laugh.

And that is why she is stuck with me…forever!

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Who makes you smile?

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Why do we have a pony in the living room?

by Lynn on January 2, 2012

Yes. Your eyes deceive you.
That isn’t a gray pony in our living room.
It is Riley. He is an Irish Wolfhound. He’s BIG-NORMOUS.


When Riley decides to kiss you, it’s going to happen.
As you can see, my daughter tried to distract him with a pillow.
That’s an admirable defense, sweetie. Remember it when you get to college, okay?


Phew. The pillow encouraged him to go to my niece.
Apparently, my daughter CAN avoid a kiss from a beefy 160 pound guy.

I’m so relieved to see this. I feel so relaxed, so at peace with the world.
In fact, I’m feeling as though my mothering job is complete.
Uh oh. Wait a minute…


No! No! NO! Don’t pet him.
After you distract an amorous guy, you gotta walk away!
Oh, the humanity. This is painful to witness. My kid has no idea how this will backfire.


Do NOT look into his warm, liquid brown eyes.
Oh, forget it. She’s already lost in his compelling gaze.

Target acquired…


Oh, for Pete’s sake!
I hope my daughter remembers this lesson when she’s at a frat party.
Wait a minute, she’s never going to a frat party, right? Silly me. How ridiculous.

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This post brought to you by Writers Who Fool Themselves.
It’s the only way we’ll be able to send our kids to college.

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Happy New Year, friends!!

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I saw Santa without his shirt.

by Lynn on December 23, 2011

My heart pounded against my ribcage.
Would he hold me like he used to do?


My boots slipped on the smooth floor, but I kept running.
My eyes darted, searching for a sign of him.
My heart fell. What if he left too soon?


No, not him!
I was searching for a big, burly guy.
My efforts seemed in vain, because his home looked abandoned and neglected:


Pain radiated from my chest when I realized that I might have missed him.
Undaunted, I turned a corner and felt a sudden burst of joy.


He was still living here!
I couldn’t wait to throw myself into his arms.
But then, to my despair, I realized I was too early.


It wasn’t the first time my punctuality backfired.
I crumbled to the floor and wept. The elfs picked me up.
They suggested I get  a cup of coffee, or a therapist. I opted for both.
My therapist told me that all this shopping had made me lose my head.


I paid her $150 for her time.
And an extra $5 for the mocha latte.
On my way home, I wondered if Santa knew I needed him.
But as soon as I got home, I KNEW that Santa heard my feverish cries.


Who knew that Santa looked so DARN good without a shirt?

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This post brought to you by a Writer Who Wishes You Merry Christmas!!!
I look forward to seeing you on January 2nd!

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There’s fur where my lollypop used to be

by Lynn on December 21, 2011

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care…

And visions of sugarplums danced in my head.


I couldn’t wait to eat the lollypops waiting under the tree.
Hey, wait a second. Who ate my lollypops?!


You’re in big trouble, doggy.

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This post brought to you by Shelties.
We like butterscotch.

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This house is too darn crowded.

by Lynn on December 19, 2011

Christmas is just soooooo difficult.
There isn’t room for me.


Don’t get me wrong. I love my pack.
But sometimes they cramp my style.


They are so loud and boisterous.
It’s extremely difficult to take a nap under these conditions.

Oh, that’s better.
Somebody finally noticed me.
I wish they had noticed me just an hour earlier…

Please, please, please drop some food!!

It’s not fair.
EVERYBODY notices my cousin…

I have no idea why.

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This post brought to you by Short Shelties.
We wish we were as big as Irish Wolfhounds.

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I don’t think this is big enough

by Lynn on December 16, 2011

I’ve reached a crisis.
My Xmas stocking isn’t big enough:


My kid insisted that this stocking was plenty big, but I disagree.
You see, I need something extra huge so that Santa will feel guilty
about putting a lonely piece of coal into my gigantic stocking.


I’m tired of coal.
No matter how hard I step on it,
it doesn’t turn into a diamond.


Yes, I know that there’s a better way to get decent presents.
I should stop posting pictures of half-naked men.
And I should stop pranking my neighbors.


But. I. Just. Can’t. Help. Myself.


So I’m going to try to trick Santa, instead.
Good idea, no?

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This post brought to you by Naughty Writers.
We squirt shaving cream on Santa’s sleigh
and complain about our gifts.

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The 2nd annual Santa Beauty Contest

by Lynn on December 14, 2011

Welcome to our 2nd annual Santa Beauty Contest.

Our first contestant is erudite and loves hot cocoa.
You’ll find him at your local library.

Contestant #1

Our next contestant not only delivers presents, but will cook your Christmas dinner
so that you can relax and play your new video game.

Contestant #2

This fellow is a FANTASTIC listener.
He is glued to your every word.
What more could a girl want?

Contestant #3

Are you a sucker for musicians?
Our next contestant is perfect for you. He makes music every time he moves.
But after a while, that little tinkling bell on his hat will drive you CRAZY.

Contestant #4

Our next Santa is a bit of a dreamer.
He’s romantic. He’ll give you roses, just because.
Granted, he’ll forget to pick up his underwear, but who cares?

Contestant #5

Frankly, I can’t find anything wrong with our next participant.
Look at his beautiful beard and tinkling eyes!

Contestant #6

Finally, our next contestant is well organized.
He’s a list-maker. He gets things done.
Best of all, he makes great toys.

Contestant #7

Uh…how come my name isn’t on the list?

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Okay, friends. Time to vote.
Who is YOUR favorite? 

 

 

 

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