Yesterday, two men dueled for my attention.
If I had a dollar for every time this happened,
I’d be blogging about how sunny it is in Hawaii right now.
It’s stressful watching a duel. I begged them to stop.
They didn’t hear my pleas over the clanging of their swords.
The neighbors began to complain about the noise.
That only served to escalate the tension, and the dueling continued.
It’s flattering when two knights try to impress you in this fashion.
However, some members of my family weren’t so impressed:
I endeavored to stop the duel by offering the knights cookies.
They wouldn’t stop unless I offered one of them a kiss.
“I can’t,” I said. “I’m already married.”
The fighting came to an abrupt halt.
One of the men challenged my husband to a duel.
Then my husband stepped on him.
The End.
by Lynn on March 30, 2012
At first, I was repulsed.
What was it?
A goober?
Then I found another one, I realized something weird was happening.
Our field was full of these little cocoons. Were they Martians?
I really wanted to see who was inside.
I knocked, but nobody answered.
In quest of answers, I contacted Aunt Mildred.
She told me the cocoons belonged to the rare Cleveland butterfly.
When they hatched, they’d be green and have thousand dollar bills for wings.
Aunt Mildred smelled faintly of whiskey, so I didn’t take her seriously.
Butterflies are NEVER green…but I couldn’t wait to see their wings!
Did I have the guts to pluck the thousand dollar bills off their backs?
Answer: YES, because I want a new car.
Now I just have to figure out how to attach the one dollar replacement wings.
Suggestions are welcome…
by Lynn on March 28, 2012
Next time something bars your way,
act like a dog.
No big deal.
You can overcome.
Alley-Oop!
Ah. No problem.
Back onto the path…
What was the big deal, anyway?
.
Are you facing a barrier right now?
Let’s jump over it, together.
by Lynn on March 26, 2012
“We can afford this if we sell the dog!” I screeched.
My husband didn’t buy my solution.
I told him to wait and see.
Do any of you want to buy a dog for $800,000?
She’s really, really cute.
You don’t want to pay $800,000 for a yappy dog?
In that case, I’ll have to figure out how to make my house as good as this one.
Aha! I think I tracked down the answer!
Man, oh man, if I had me a powerful toilet,
I’d feel like we lived in a $800,000 house.
.
This post brought to you by Don’t Pretend You Don’t Know What I Mean.
A decent toilet solves a whole host of problems – like where to hide the plunger.
by Lynn on March 23, 2012
Never take your teenaged daughter to a model home.
She’ll say stuff like, “Wow. This place is so CLEAN!”
You’ll think, “Wow. Guess I gotta clean more.”
You’ll realize that this is what a white bathtub SHOULD look like.
You’ll go home and realize your tub isn’t beige, it’s just dirty.
You’ll compare the model home’s bathrooms to your bathrooms…
and you’ll break into ugly sobs of despair.
You’ll wonder how the heck you survived all these years
without a pretty ribbon tied around your bath towels.
To ease your despair, you’ll pick up a glass of wine…
You’ll discover that it’s never a good idea to drink your troubles away.
Especially if you’re in a model home with fake wine in the glasses.
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This post brought to you by People Who Need Windex.
Ohmygosh, how did that much toothpaste get on the bathroom mirror?
by Lynn on March 21, 2012
Spring makes me grumpy.
With Spring comes Spring Cleaning.
This year, I purchased a new tool to clean the house.
It does a great job picking up the clutter.
However, the kitchen requires more finesse.
I hired someone to get the floors sparkling clean.
No, I didn’t recruit my dog to help.
She was busy doing typical dog things, like this:
I gotta admit she looks better in this hat than I do.
.
This post brought to you by Dogs Who Wear Lipstick.
Please stop borrowing our makeup.
by Lynn on March 19, 2012
Someone was watching me.
I could feel it.
I tried to ignore the sensation.
I tried to be rational…which wasn’t easy.
I was surrounded by trees.
Why would they harm me?
Sure, I’ve cut down hundreds of trees…
but I had good reason.
I mean, it tore me apart to cut down the trees.
My husband made me do it.
Luckily, trees can’t chase, or bite, or eat humans.
Heck, they can’t even see. So there.
Or maybe they can…
HELP!
by Lynn on March 16, 2012
I spend most of my time picking up poop.
If I had a dollar for every piece of poop I’ve touched,
I’d be blogging about how great it is to live on a tropical island.
Who picks up the deer poo?
Never one to question authority, we studied the picture on the sign.
The figure is bent low, ready to catch waste. Turns out, we’ve been doing it wrong.
We pick up poop after it falls on the ground. Evidently, we should be catching it in mid-air.
My husband graciously offered to demonstrate the new technique.
I graciously offered to conceal his identity in these pictures.
He’s got a reputation to uphold, after all.
Our dog didn’t react well to this new technique.
She didn’t understand why we kept chasing her with our hands outstretched.
In our defense, we couldn’t think of any other way to catch poop before it hits the ground.
If you look up “cooperation” in the dictionary,
you will NOT find a picture of our dog in the definition.
Er, did the Parks Commission try this technique before posting it?
I have a funny feeling they didn’t.
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This post brought to you by People Who Tell You What to Do.
I wish they knew what they were talking about.
by Lynn on March 14, 2012
I’ve been a woman for a while.
Perhaps it’s time to do some research on estrogen.
This is a picture of my brain on estrogen:
No wonder women are so complex.
Estrogen causes a number of side effects.
It can cause enlargement of breasts, for instance.
Unfortunately, estrogen doesn't make my breasts larger.
Estrogen can cause nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and cramps.
Yet I show no signs of reduced appetite.
Ain't being a woman grand?
Estrogen can cause increased levels of irritation,
which explains my sudden outburst last night.
If you won't stop blinking, I'm LEAVING.
Estrogen can cause increased sex drive.
Personally, I blame my husband for my sex drive.
Did you know my husband is pictured on men's underwear packages?
Estrogen can also increase levels of stupidity.
Yeah, I’m familiar with this syndrome.
I'm supposed to put a bag inside the vacuum?
This estrogen thing is kind of a drag.
by Lynn on March 12, 2012
I’m an expert in raising teens. I have two of ‘em.
Not long after I got them, my eye started to twitch.
I combat that nervous tic by sucking my thumb. It’s soothing.
Fortunately, there are lots of resources for parents of teens:
None of them have told me how to launder smelly socks without passing out.
When they figure that out, I’ll read ‘em.
When you have a teen, you realize that you only have a few years left together.
The pressure is enormous. Will you have time to correct your earlier parenting mistakes?
Even more importantly, will you give them amble fodder to discuss with their college roommates?
Hence, the thumb sucking. It helps me get through the day.
I’m not sure my kids have enough dirt on me to complain to their friends.
Then again, I readily admit to strangers that I like sex, so that’s a good start.
In conclusion, I think parents of teens should stick together.
We all have laundry hampers that make our eyes water whenever we reach inside.
Let’s be easy on one another as we navigate this strange, alien world of adolescence.
.
This post brought to you by Laundry Detergent and Air Freshener.
What would we do without you?
Lynn Kellan is the creative force behind For Love or Funny. She is a romance novelist devoted to finding the love and the funny in every story. 
"You make me start my day with a smile!" from Ravit
